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POCD (pt. 2(and other things))
September 4, 2017
12:56 am
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darkoutside
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September 3, 2017
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Yo so this is the guy from before with the other pocd post. I couldn't get into my account because I forgot its information so I'll be using this one. This post may be a bit more personal than the last. I was in the shower just now, listening to music by an artist I hadn't heard before. The songs were mostly themed around love, I think, and I was calm at the time because it reminded me of earlier and better points in my life. I was thinking about guys and got a bit turned on, but my brother and father came into my mind so I lost my arousal, but was also a bit confused. This has been a common theme for my thoughts for a bit now, along with those of racism. They both bother me to no end, but I've been able to look past them mostly for a while. Whilst showering, amidst the somewhat calm, a thought occurred to me out of nowhere. It concerned a hentai site that I went on every so often, that contained loli porn (which is hentai where the girl looks like a child but is supposed to be an adult). Whilst this genre of hentai isn't something I've ever been sexually interested in, there were a few drawings that I did end up masturbating to for short bursts, all of which contained an adult female. Even in these situations I couldn't continue due to the child-like characters being involved. This site had porn that only concerned adults as well, which is what I was there for, but I'd look at the loli drawings as well because I wanted to see what the artist had done this time, as he's known for doing things with his art that break social boundaries and it can be somewhat entertaining to see at times, despite me not gaining anything sexually or mentally from it. One drawing in particular bothered me when I thought about it earlier more so than the others. It had an adult female character surrounded by younger boys, likely about 12-13 or lower. I can't remember whether she had had sex with them or not, but she was acting provocative, and some of them were having sex in the background and were masturbating and such. Somebody in the comments said that he/she wished there was more of this (the young boys) on the site, which I have some memory of agreeing with for a brief moment, but I'm also absolutely sure that I didn't. (I just went to the site to check, and they were indeed having sex sorta). I found the adult female to be attractive, but not the children, though them being involved with the lady in that way makes it a bit confusing I guess. So I sat in the shower for a bit, paralyzed with fear that I was jerking off to the children as well, and agreeing with the guy in the comments, though I'm also sure that I did neither of those things. I was 14 at the time, and my girlfriend had just broken up with me under stressful circumstances (it was long distance and I was paranoid for a while at that point), so I had been watching a lot of porn, most of which was normal. There are other occasions that I can recall, where I had jerked off to characters from videogames, three in particular, that had child-like bodies in the game, but i only masturbated to pictures in which they were depicted to be adults. Only once can I recall jerking off to one of them that looked a bit childish, and that though horrifies me as well. With the loli thing, the children are always portrayed to be more voluptuous than an actual child would be. Whilst this doesn't allow me to get off to it anymore than I would anyway, it makes things a bit more confusing. I've also masterbated to girls from my school, on very few occasions, who are all my age, but I still sincerely regret doing so, and don't plan on doing it in the future, as its disrespectful to them, and also horribly creepy in my eyes. This didn't take me long to realize, though, thankfully. A lot of the time I feel uncomfortable with being aroused at all, or even being comfortable. I've wanted to drink and have a bit here and there but not enough to be drunk at all. I'm afraid that if I don't kill myself I'll live to become a pedophile, but I'm also afraid of committing suicide most of the time. My psychiatrist told me that it's all ocd but I still doubt it. I get anxious around children and try to avoid them as much as possible, and my brother is younger than me so that is kinda hard to do. I shower compulsively, and feel the need to after masturbating, or just randomly if I feel bad. I also get intrusive thoughts about racism, sexism, and violence in general. I masturbate to regular porn but I can't avoid the intrusive thoughts during that a lot of the time, but have been able to a bit recently. I'm sorry that this was so long winded. Also I'm sorry if this was uncomfortable to read. As I said before, any thoughts would be appreciated, and thank you for reading this.

September 4, 2017
7:36 am
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Dave
Canada
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October 25, 2013
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The fact that you feel uncomfortable around children and try to avoid them is evidence of OCD. That's very common with this OCD theme.

Another sign that OCD is in play is how much this bothers you after the fact. 

So your psychiatrist says it's all OCD. While I agree, what is he doing to help you? Has he suggested Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for you? It's one thing to openly talk about this stuff (and you should feel good about being so open about it) but the goal should be getting you tools to start combating these thoughts.

My advice at present is to stick with adult porno for now. Staying away from the other stuff would be a type of avoidance compulsion but you haven't been trained yet how to handle that and be able to shrug it off. 

Let me know what your psychiatrist is going to do to help you. Take care.

September 10, 2017
7:22 pm
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darkoutside
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September 3, 2017
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He hasn't said much other than to recognize that the thoughts are a symptom of ocd, and to label them as such, use distraction techniques, th ings such as that. He also suggested medication but i'd need my parents for that and I'd rather not being them into this again. As of right now, I've had a headache for a while, because earlier I saw a younger girl walking by while i was riding to the store and I felt compelled to talk to her, or follow her even, which stressed me out and confused me. I've been especially confused lately because I went to get a sports physical and the doctor had to do the whole "turn your head and cough" thing. Despite this being done by an adult female, it's provided me with a whole array of intrusive thoughts throughout the past few days, as it's the closest thing to sexual contact I've had at this point, though it was entirely professional and not at all sexual in the first place. The thing with the girl from earlier has been troubling me for hours now, even though I didn't even get an erection. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this much aside from vague mentions of ocd to my friends, and witgh my therapist, who has been some help. Sorry that I'm seeking reassurance a bit, I probably shouldn't be. But, all input is greatly appreciated. 

September 19, 2017
7:27 pm
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Dave
Canada
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October 25, 2013
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We all need someone to talk to. And this topic is disturbing to most people and it's not like you can bring up your intrusive thoughts in casual conversation. It's not a topic 'nice' people talk about. That's why we need places like this for people like you to go to and talk.

See, the simple fact that you are troubled by your thoughts speaks to you having OCD. Pedophiles don't get all bent out of shape when they have thoughts of sex and kids. People with pedophile OCD do.

It's okay to ask for a little reassurance in the beginning. This is new to you, you're young and this is entirely outside the usual teenage experience. I know I had an awful tough time when I was your age trying to deal with such thoughts. Well, in fact, I didn't. I didn't deal with them right at all.

I'll be around so if you feel like talking some more or have questions, feel free.

Take care.

July 1, 2018
2:02 pm
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Ernestwayn
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July 1, 2018
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darkoutside said
Yo so this is the guy from before with the other pocd post. I couldn't get into my account because I forgot its information so I'll be using this one. This post may be a bit more personal than the last. I was in the shower just now, listening to music by an artist I hadn't heard before. The songs were mostly themed around love, I think, and I was calm at the time because it reminded me of earlier and better points in my life. I was thinking about guys and got a bit turned on, but my brother and father came into my mind so I lost my arousal, but was also a bit confused. This has been a common theme for my thoughts for a bit now, along with those of racism. They both bother me to no end, but I've been able to look past them mostly for a while. Whilst showering, amidst the somewhat calm, a thought occurred to me out of nowhere. It concerned a hentai site that I went on every so often, that contained loli porn (which is hentai where the girl looks like a child but is supposed to be an adult). Whilst this genre of hentai isn't something I've ever been sexually interested in, there were a few drawings that I did end up masturbating to for short bursts, all of which contained an adult female. Even in these situations I couldn't continue due to the child-like characters being involved. This site had porn that only concerned adults as well, which is what I was there for, but I'd look at the loli drawings as well because I wanted to see what the artist had done this time, as he's known for doing things with his art that break social boundaries and it can be somewhat entertaining to see at times, despite me not gaining anything sexually or mentally from it. One drawing in particular bothered me when I thought about it earlier more so than the others. It had an adult female character surrounded by younger boys, likely about 12-13 or lower. I can't remember whether she had had sex with them or not, but she was acting provocative, and some of them were having sex in the background and were masturbating and such. Somebody in the comments said that he/she wished there was more of this (the young boys) on the site, which I have some memory of agreeing with for a brief moment, but I'm also absolutely sure that I didn't. (I just went to the site to check, and they were indeed having sex sorta). I found the adult female to be attractive, but not the children, though them being involved with the lady in that way makes it a bit confusing I guess. So I sat in the shower for a bit, paralyzed with fear that I was jerking off to the children as well, and agreeing with the guy in the comments, though I'm also sure that I did neither of those things. I was 14 at the time, and my girlfriend had just broken up with me under stressful circumstances (it was long distance and I was paranoid for a while at that point), so I had been watching a lot of porn, most of which was normal. There are other occasions that I can recall, where I had jerked off to characters from videogames, three in particular, that had child-like bodies in the game, but i only masturbated to pictures in which they were depicted to be adults. Only once can I recall jerking off to one of them that looked a bit childish, and that though horrifies me as well. With the loli thing, the children are always portrayed to be more voluptuous than an actual child would be. Whilst this doesn't allow me to get off to it anymore than I would anyway, it makes things a bit more confusing. I've also masterbated to girls from my school, on very few occasions, who are all my age, but I still sincerely regret doing so, and don't plan on doing it in the future, as its disrespectful to them, and also horribly creepy in my eyes. This didn't take me long to realize, though, thankfully. A lot of the time I feel uncomfortable with being aroused at all, or even being comfortable. I've wanted to drink and have a bit here and there but not enough to be drunk at all. I'm afraid that if I don't kill myself I'll live to become a pedophile, but I'm also afraid of committing suicide most of the time. My psychiatrist told me that it's all ocd but I still doubt it. I get anxious around children and try to avoid them as much as possible, and my brother is younger than me so that is kinda hard to do. I shower compulsively, and feel the need to after masturbating, or just randomly if I feel bad. I also get intrusive thoughts about racism, sexism, and violence in general. I masturbate to regular porn but I can't avoid the intrusive thoughts during that a lot of the time, but have been able to a bit recently. I'm sorry that this was so long winded. Also I'm sorry if this was uncomfortable to read. As I said before, any thoughts would be appreciated, and thank you for reading this.  

I must say your posts worries me greatly. And I don't mean it in the wrong sense. I read about you "being afraid not committing suicide will make you a pedophile" and it basically chills my blood. You must know you are not alone! The guy that replied before will surely advice you more if you ask him. Also, there are all sorts of OCD, right? Think of yours as another one! Look, I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I do know God and Christ; he does have answers, and even if he doesn't tell them to you right now, he is and always will be there for you! Please keep up hope... Please... Also, your writing is flawless (you should consider making a book of this at some point, later on!)... ...I... ...I didn't even want to bring  it up, but despite not been diagnosed with any sort of OCD, I yet know there is something in the form of HOCD with me there somewhere... I started reading you without reading the title (the POCD part) and I thought it could be related (because of the part with the boys), but I guess it is something else... I remember being 17 and beginning to feel attracted to some of my friends at school (there were particularly two blond boys I got kind of stupid around...) But things have changed over these past few years; I am 23 now, I've learned a lot about Christ, and feel he is right there with me through it all...! ...I do like girls, I've had a couple of girlfriends. (And sorry if this is somehow subtracting more than it's adding, but I suppose every experience adds up, right?) ...Although, there are phenotypes of boys I get aroused by... ...Also, this page about OCD explains a bit more of what I mean! ...And why I know it's not homosexuality per se but a form of OCD... ...LGBT's are fine I guess, just not what I identify with. 

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