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Pocd
August 15, 2017
12:15 am
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bartrodjr
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August 14, 2017
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I think I may have pocd, but I also think I may be insane. About 3 months ago, I watched a video about Jared Fogle, in which was a recording of him detailing his pedophilic preferences and whatnot. It was a podcast that led me to this, and I went due to morbid curiosity. I was disgusted by the things he said, and immediately hoped for a long painful death for him. Some time after, I began to panic, thinking "what If I'm like him?". This though was due to something that occurred a few days before this, I had looked at a small girl's behind for a bit, at a cousin's get together. I was just sitting in the living room, and it happened to be showing a bit. At the time, I hadn't been aroused by it at all, at least not sexually. I remained entirely flaccid, and went on with my day. Thinking back on this, I was horrified that I could do such a thing, despite gaining nothing from it then, and to this day. I ran downstairs in a hurry, and told my father about it. My concerns, anyway, I'm not entirely sure what details I told him aside from the video i had watched. He tried to call me, by telling me that all teenage boys experience this type of thing, that it's normal to get confused by that type of thing with all these hormones, among other things. I was calm for a bit, as I listened to him talk. I could sleep for the night. The next morning I likely woke in anxiety, as I have on a few occasions during this. This panicking to my parents went on for five days, the first days were just with my father, the following two involved my mother as well. I wanted an opinion on whether or not I was a pedophile from more angles than one. They both ended up getting horribly stressed out, and I can't talk to them about it, especially so due to reasons I'd rather not say, as to maintain my father's privacy. To maintain his reputation, however, I will say he has done nothing wrong, as he hasn't. Just so you don't get the wrong idea. Same with my mother. They were both wonderful, but a human can only take so much, so I decided not to mention it from then on. I suffered in school, thinking "how could I dare to be around these normal people. Bejnng horrible as I am?". I wanted death. I was in a constant panic. I talked to my guidance counselor, which was a mistake, but likely a useful one. She called my mother, who was mad, though mostly stressed out. In fairness, nobody wants to think about their child potentially being a pedophile. She called down though, and tried to help. She printed out articles by psychiatrists about anxiety in teenagers, which helped for a few days. We did tell my dad though, which made him angry as well, mostly due to it not being an actual professional. He took away all of my cds with vulgarity in them, and tried to childproof our electronic devices, though accidentally left my phone untouched. Despite that, I still kept things mostly pg, and deleted the albums from it. I dreaded school ending, as it was about to, as it have me social interaction, which got me through the day at times. I was still constantly worrying about me being a pedophile. I would look up articles on mental illnesses asnd sexual fantasy, arousal, all of that, compulsively so. It made me feel neutral for the duration of it. Otherwise I'd be trying to distract myself, by reading or talking, but I was always in my own head. I'd always have the worsst case scenarios on my mind, along with graphic imagery or children being raped, from my point of view, or from a third person view of me commuting the act. It made me sick and horrified. The thought of not being horrified and sickened made me horrified and sickened. Eventually summer did come, though the thoughts stayed. I was gonna go back to my home country for a visit, so I clung to that as the light at the end of the tunnel, counting down the days. Eventually I did go, and enjoyed myself well enough, but the thoughts never left. I may have had some of my worst days there, one where I had cried for a while early in the morning, right before going to see my friends after two years, having to carry that weight all throughout the day. I couldn't be around children without horrible anxiety. I still can't mostly. In a way my worries have shifted a bit. More towards worrying about incest, but the other ones remain, along with some about my morality, insanity, and whether or not I really have ocd. When I'm tired abstract thoughts of sex mixed in with an image of children confuse me and leads me to stress. Im 14 going on 15, and hace nky been diagnosed, though in my compulsive researching i stumbled upon an article on pur o ocd, and it sounded like exactly what i was experiencing. I saw a psychiatrist, and he said it sounded like ocd, though, as I said, I haven't been officially diagnosed. Sometimes I feel as though my stress and anxiety and empathy might be fake, which stressed me out further. I'm prone to saying "**** ****** ******* ******* **** ********** ************ **** you're to myself, out loud and mentally. I've wanted to commit suicide in horrible ways, along with wanting tto get drunk. I'm not sure if I can be diagnosed at this stage, but i'd  love to hear anyone's thoughts on this. I appreciate you reading this, and I'm  sorry that it was so long winded. I'd appreciate your thoughts greatly.

August 15, 2017
1:01 am
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bartrodjr
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The profanities included was jus "f*** you're btw

August 15, 2017
1:07 pm
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Dave
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Hi and welcome to the forum.

You are exactly the same age as I was when pedophile thoughts started attacking my brain. You have a huge advantage over me and that is that you spoke up and said, "Hey, there's a problem here," way before I did. You are brave to be forthright with your parents and a psychiatrist about what is troubling you. I waited 40 years before I sought help. So good on you.

Understand that I am not a trained mental health professional and can offer no official diagnosis. That said, yeah what you're talking about is OCD.

The disorder can latch onto the most insignificant thing and blow its importance all out of proportion. It keeps bringing the subject up, which makes it hard to ignore. Then you make things so much worse by doing compulsions. You think you need to do them in order to keep your sanity and to reduce the level of anxiety you feel, but they don't work for long. Soon enough the thoughts come back, doubt returns and you're left wanting to do more compulsions. It's an endless cycle.

I am knowledgeable from personal experience and dealing with other sufferers of this OCD theme to have a pretty good idea what compulsions you are doing (even though you may not realize you are doing them):

* Reassurance seeking. Although it is good you talked to your parents, you've probably asked them several times already if they think you're a pedophile or if they think it's OCD. You went to a psychiatrist (good move) and now you're asking here on the forum. It feels like you need to be reassured but all it does is cement in your mind that there is a problem. So watch out for this.

* Ruminating. This is what I think is the biggest compulsion there is. Ruminating is going over a thought in your head, again and again. Looking at the thought, trying to figure out if its true or not, analyzing it, trying to work it out. I'm betting you spend quite a bit of time in your head, thinking about what happened and what it all means.

* Googling. Yeah, Googling stuff is a compulsion for OCD sufferers. I can't know if you're doing it but it's common enough with this theme that I want to bring it up. If you're Googling what makes a pedophile, how do you know if you're a pedophile, etc., it's a compulsion.

Compulsions need to stop, in due course. They do no good. They actually do harm by drawing attention to the thoughts you are having and giving them more credence. The opposite is true too. The less attention you pay to the thoughts, the less problems you'll have with them.

At the risk of offering you reassurance, all over the world at any given time there are lots of people who look at kids' butts. It doesn't mean they're all pedophiles. People glance around and they see what they see. It's no big deal and they almost instantly forget about it. You didn't because I believe you have OCD and it latched onto that innocent eye movement and turned it into this big deal that was tough for you to ignore.

Do your best to forget about the whole thing. Dismiss future thoughts about it as irrelevant and silly. Do some work on figuring out what compulsions you are doing and work hard to limit them/stop them. Basically, don't give the thoughts any attention. Let the whole thing die from apathy.

The bad news is that this is probably going to happen again, under a different set of circumstances. The good news is that there is treatment available. It's called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where you learn to think differently about the thoughts and behave differently (stop doing compulsions). I did it and I now consider myself an ex-sufferer.

I know the thoughts are awful and the thought of being a pedophile at your age is shocking, depressing and anxiety provoking. But with some work on your part, some knowledge and guidance, you can get past this and lead a perfectly normal life.

If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to ask.

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