Feeling guilty about past events
Though it comes in many flavors, one of the more common OCD themes I’ve seen is that of crime and punishment or what could be considered as guilt OCD. Some websites and professionals call this OCD theme something like real-life OCD, because an event did take place in real life that has become the focus of the sufferer.
The sufferer believes they made an egregious mistake or have even committed a crime (what they did was so terrible), yet everyone around them responds that no such crime exists or that the mistake is nothing to worry about. This theme has one thing in common: the sufferer’s steadfast determination to punish themselves for the perceived transgression.
Many times I’ve seen people raise this type of OCD then vehemently stick to the belief that the situation has nothing to do with OCD. I see that so often that one would have to wonder how it could not be OCD, since the issue is usually raised on an OCD forum. Further, people with this particular theme often have other, more easily identifiable versions of OCD, lending credence to the belief that the current problem is also OCD.
The main reason why people balk at the thought that OCD is involved is that the situation (the crime) was real. OCD apparently didn’t have any part in the formation of the crime/mistake. While that appears to be true in most cases of this theme, the person nonetheless is dealing with OCD now. Real mistakes or errors in judgment or perceived crimes can happen in real life. OCD comes into play when the person becomes overly focused on the mistake/crime/error to the detriment of their ability to live a quality life.
Sometimes the ‘crime’ took place recently. In many cases it happened years and years ago but suddenly popped into the mind of the OCD sufferer. In all cases sufferers with this theme become obsessed with what happened. They fixate on the alleged crime and can’t shake it from their mind. The thought of what happened (obsession) causes distress. And the sufferer performs compulsions, most notably ruminating — going over the event in their mind repeatedly.
A notable manifestation of this theme is the very common belief that the crime/mistake/error made in the past is absolutely terrible. Sufferers commonly come across as being devastated that they made such a mistake, which they believe is life changing. Interestingly, the nearly unanimous verdict of responders to people about this OCD theme is that the crime/mistake/error appears to be minor in origin and not worth worrying about.
One by-product of this OCD theme and the way it manifests is what can be an overwhelming feeling of guilt. As everyone should know, OCD involves obsessions (intrusive thoughts) that cause distress. With this theme the majority of that distress is expressed as guilt. Consquently, sufferers with this theme commonly believe that they should be/must be punished for their transgression. This is expressed in self loathing comments and an interest shown in confessing the transgression to loved ones/the police.
Other people look at the situations and see they are minor incidents that should be dismissed, but the sufferers of this theme truly believe it is a case of crime and required punishment. Attempts at reassuring sufferers that they did not do bad, that they are not bad and that they deserve no punishment usually fall on deaf ears.
Like with other OCD themes, sufferers of this theme are their own worst enemies. Although the obsessions (thoughts that the sufferer did wrong) can be fleeting and last only seconds, sufferers can spend hours and hours ruminating on the subject. They can perform other compulsions, such as searching the Internet for stories of people who similarly screwed up, searching to find out what truly bad people do as a way of comparison, seeking reassurance and confessing.
Interestingly, with this OCD theme, the reassurance seeking can be the reverse of what is normally seen. While some people may ask for reassurance that they aren’t a terrible person, some sufferers come across as if they want confirmation that they are bad and that what they did was egregious, terrible and worth punishment.
This theme can result in cognitive distortions being exhibited, including all-or-nothing-thinking. “I did X, therefore I am evil.”
Even though this OCD theme could be considered odd and definitely far different than the well known contamination/hand washers, it’s still OCD. There are obsessions (intrusive thoughts that something bad has been done by the sufferer). The obsessions cause distress (notably a feeling of overwhelming guilt). There are compulsions performed.
Like any other theme, this theme can be dealt with using the tenets of CBT. From the cognitive side the person can start saying positive statements as opposed to negative, all-or-nothing-thinking statements. (I am a good person. I make mistakes but I am still a good person).
On the behavioral side, it is important that sufferers identify the compulsions they perform and work to resist them. No doubt ruminating is a big one with this theme. Refusal to confess past transgressions is essential, as is stopping searching on the Internet for similar stories.
Click here to talk about Real Life OCD with Dave!
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Thank You for this article. I’ve suffered from this very element of OCD and I forget it is an aspect of the illness.
Thank you. This is one of most read articles on the website.
Rumination, the incessant reviewing of thoughts silently running through your mind. What is wrong with me? Why did I do what I did? Why do I feel guilty, ashamed of myself.
For myself, rumination is part of my depression which accompanies my OCD. I also had gronial response to my OCD which just added to the OCD and depression. On top of that I believe that my OCD began very early in life, and early puberty just aggravated my symptoms. In my area there is no groups or other support in place, just prison for a person to “learn” from their mistakes.
Thank you for writing this. This is one very major part of my OCD that I deal with. It’s nice to hear that others go through this too.
Thank you, Dave. I have suffered from harm ocd for the past three years. I am currently participating in an intensive outpatient exposure and response prevention therapy program.
I have compulsions to confess, and my erp hierarchy includes not confessing. Here lies my frustration: my therapist does not want me to confess, so he won’t allow me to tell him about my obsessions. So, I create and do the exposures in the therapist’s office. The therapist has a copy of my hierarchy and exposures while I’m doing them with the therapist in the room. The therapist times me….has me rate my anxiety. But, like I said, I don’t talk to the therapist about my obsession out loud. The frustrating part is…how is my therapist going to help me when I don’t talk about the obsession?
That’s an interesting situation you have there. It’s something I haven’t thought about before. I have quite a bit of experience dealing with OCD sufferers who have a confession compulsion, however.
I think your therapist needs to meet you part way, at least in the beginning. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I am having obsession X right now and my anxiety level is 7/10.” That’s just stating a fact. Then you go on to not perform compulsions (in this case confessing). Perhaps you could work with your therapist and come up with a plan whereby you could speak once about an obsession you’re having and then that’s it. No going over it vocally after that.
If the event happened like 16 years ago, I am 35, this was when I was 17-18 then how do I try and recall it clearly? Every time I think about it, it gets murkier in my mind, thanks
The point Simon is that you need to stop trying to remember. Doing so is a compulsion and does no good. You’re seeking clarity where none will be found.
Instead, tell yourself that it simply doesn’t matter anymore. Give yourself permission and stop going over it in your mind
Ok thanks, I just wish I could recall it in my more detail, but sadly as you say this cannot be done…..I think I have been winding myself up constantly trying to recall and it is impossible because of the time and memory change
Good article, relates incredibly closely to me
Also, why did this suddenly emerge in the last two years when I don’t recall thinking about it for over a decade? Thanks again
(I ask as I have suffered from more BDD about 10 years ago and then bad thought ocd in the last 4-5 years and wondered if a relation)
That’s the nature of the OCD beast. You can be cruising along without a care in the world and suddenly wham! You get hit with a thought that really bothers you and before you know it it’s all you can think about.
Do try to put this behind you. Refuse to get into mind debates about what did or didn’t happen. Let it go.
I need ur help i am ruminatinh about past event and i dont know if they are true or not cz i am analyzing alot and feeling guilty more than u can imagine. Its killing me from the inside i need help.
Hi Moon12. What you need is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. To start there are quite a few books out there about CBT. You can learn it on your own, though I think the best method is to go to a CBT therapist.
I stumbled on this site after a weekend of mental horror. I have dealt with OCD my entire life that has been mostly obsessing about past events (either recent or long ago)that make me feel like I am unfaithful in my current, very healthy relationship. My OCD took complete hold of me recently. The most recent flavor of the week is me remembering things I have done and am obsessing about and needing to tell my boyfriend. Example, Being at a pub with my boyfriend and after some drinks, being possibly flirty with a friend we made. Then it manifests into “did I touch or kiss this person and don’t remember”, therefore racking my brain to remember if I did. Or touching someone’s leg when they told a story and I cheated. The second I start to feel better about an OCD obsession. My brain immediately remembers something else I did that was “cheating”. Therefore feeling my relationship isn’t relevant or real if I hold these in. My current therapists says this taps into me self sabotaging, as if deep down, I don’t feel I deserve this happiness. I’m trying to combat the thoughts when they come in (every 3 mins) with kind words like, “I am a good woman, I deserve this relationship, I did nothing wrong”. But immediately my stomach sinks and I remember again. Your blogs have helped relieve me, but as soon as I’m done reading a new thought comes in, worse then the last. I like how you said, resist that urge to confess, as it feeds the OCD. I know I have been flirty or done things others would say “just know this for the future and you didn’t do anything bad”. But I feel like touching a leg in conversation or possible flirting is supposed to be confessed. I also know that this ruins relationships since the other person does not understand OCD thought process. How can I just have these thoughts come and go without confessing to my boyfriend? Does this just take practice?
Hi Paco and thanks for the comment. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me they were afraid their actions were flirty and bordered on cheating, we’ll I’d have a bunch of nickels.
What you need to realize is that what you’ve described is OCD in action. OCD lies. Where other people would have behaved exactly like you and not thought about it at all, your OCD is pushing the panic button amd making it seem that the situation is much more important than it really is. That’s the nature of OCD.
Now confessing is a big compulsion with this theme. The reason people like you want to confess is do that they feel better. But it doesn’t work for long. Soon enough the intrusive thoughts are back and you feel like confessing again. The cycle needs to stop.
Yes it takes lots of practice to ignore the thoughts. You also have to identify the compulsions you do and work hard to stop them. You probably ruminate a lot, going over the thoughts in your mind, trying to figure out if you did something bad. That’s a compulsion too.
Any time you get a thought about being bad in the past and you get that urge to ruminate and confess, it’s a sure bet that OCD is to blame. Amd it is safe to just ignore the thought and get on with your day.
Thank you for this post and your response. Any sort of temporary relief while fighting this is a heavenly moment. I have been practicing stopping the thought and repeating in my head “stop. it’s just an OCD thought”. I spend every other minute repeating this in my head the last few days. It went from non-existent in years to WHAM, 4 things in one weekend. With stopping the thought and repeating this in my head, will it eventually leave me be? I feel like this will never end and keep asking is this just the way I am now forever?
I must caution you. You do not want to repeat that in your head. It will quickly turn into a compulsion and you’ll be stuck again.
Saying it once is fine. After that you need to try your best to ignore the thought and get on with your day.
Literally, the less you do about the thoughts, the better.
I feel the hardest part is the combination OCD of a real event that is hazy and then the ruminating around what happened during the event that I might not remember (a worst case scenario). And you’re right. As it’s thought of more… The more intense the memory gets and the more “I remember” or add onto the event. Aka- inappropriate behavior that needs to be confessed. I just feel such sympathy for my brain right now and anyone else who deals with this.
Thanks for the article. With past mistakes, are there times when you really do need to confess and make amends? The mistakes I obsess about are in a gray area, where some people would say they aren’t a big deal and I should move on and others would say it’s a serious mistake and I should do what I can to fix it. I think that ambiguity is exactly what makes me anxious! In these situations, how can I figure out whether a mistake – especially a recent one – really should be fixed?
Skyapple, I think if a mistake is worthy of correcting you’re going to decide very quickly, do something, and then it’s over. But sitting there thinking about it over and over is ruminating and that’s a compulsion, which you want to stay away from.
Hello Dave,
thank you very much for this article. I can very much relate to nearly everything you wrote in it. I have had OCD for quite a long time now and the topic of the obsessions has changed a lot over time. What I find so upsetting about this form of OCD is that there is only so few information on the internet. I wanted to ask you if you know where i can get more information about this form of OCD?
Thank you in advance!
I know that the right way to deal with real-event OCD is probably the same like for all the other forms of OCD, I just think it is very helpful to read articles like this one above and the fact that i can´t really find any other information beside this article makes me feel quite helpless.
You won’t find much written about this OCD theme. It’s not widely understood.
The good news is that it is treatable. All forms of OCD are treated the same way using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, with or without medications.
Thank you for your reply!
Yes, there really isn´t much information out there. My old therapist also didn´t really treat my “obsession” about a mistake i made in the past the way we treated my other OCD topics. I will get a new therapist hopefully there I can treat this topic of OCD the same way you treat all the other forms. Because all other topics of my OCD really got better with Exposure and Response prevention but the one we treated differently still bothers me so much and even got worse over time.
ty for this dave i have ocd since a woz 15 and nuffin has really hit home as much is this blog did i done lot of cbt on this theme and done the higher arky of righten down the thouts in my head ocd it help . but now 4year later that guilt felling is back and i feel i need to comfuse every thing from past etc or if i for got to wash my hands , but its just that over whelming guilt felling is getin to me but for no real reason also were before ther woz a few reasons i really dont want to back to what i woz like 4year ago it woz a really bad place
You’re welcome Marcus.
🙂 . Eny tips on what to do for the linger guilt i no its ocd but not sure to start doin the rigthn agn over and over . But its what to rigth cose ther not like it woz before when woz the bad thouts etc inless inrigth iam not a bad person over and over. ? . BUT before when a done it it woz more doin the opsite like iam goin to harm this person by doin such and such . Just words tho . So the thout would becomes less . But if a do that with iam not a bad person over and over to help this linger guilt feeling of ocd would that work to the same methaide ? Ty
No, you don’t want to keep telling yourself that over and over. That falls into the realm of a compulsion and you don’t want to go there.
You can tell yourself that a couple of times a day. What’s more important is that you forgive yourself for past mistakes. It’s okay to let them go. It’s okay to forget and move on. These are the types of ideas you need to take to heart.
Ty . Like the artcal says every one can tell us its not a bad thing etc and no crime but for the suffer its fall s on death ears cose we its still wrong . But forgivem our self is the main inporting to move on ur are rt ther . Just wanted to try some thing to help that progresss. It seems to be hard for me to be nice to my and not be hard on my self . Words from others also! . Thnx agn dave
Hi, I understand what everyone is going through here and would really appreciate some advice! I have had the worst 2 years obsessively worrying about a sexual game I played as a child (8 or 9) which totally disgusts me. I have always felt bad about it – often waking up at night feeling horrified – but for 2 years it has been literally every waking minute (I am now 30). I’ve told my mum, husband and the person who is concerned with the game and they all don’t see it as an issue! I saw a counsellor for most part of a year who had worked with children herself and tried to reassure me that I shouldn’t punish myself and practised some mindfulness. I then tried another counsellor as I wasn’t feeling better and she tried a more cognitive approach. We attempted emdr but I just couldn’t remember the incidents well enough! I thought I was feeling ok and stopped seeing her – we agreed that it was all down to my anxiety and that I should try body work like massage or acupuncture. But I just can’t get past the constant thinking and disgust! Every day from the moment I get up. I feel disgusting and that what I did was way worse than any similar thing I read online. Is there any way to get past this brick wall? I spend all day trying to tell myself this was typical childhood play but I can’t accept it! I don’t know where to turn!
I’ve heard these kinds of stories many times. People get stuck on a minor event from their past. They make things so much worse by doing compulsions.
My suggestion is that you look at your behavior and figure out what compulsions you are doing. Seeking reassurance from others is a compulsion. So is ruminating, which I’m sure you do a lot.
You need to work on those compulsions, slowing them down then stopping them. Ruminating can seem automatic but it is controllable, with practice. I write an article on this website on how to stop ruminating. I believe it’s called The Evil Mind Work of Ruminating. Give it a read.
Basically, you get intrusive thoughts about what you did. Then you try to figure it out, you analyze it, trying to see if what you did wad bad or not. That’s ruminating and it’s pointless. You never reach an end with ruminating. It just goes on and on. But you can put your foot down and refuse to get into these mind debates. It takes a lot if practice to get it right but it does work.
Hi, thank you for your response! I have been trying to tell myself ‘I acknowledge the thought but I’m not going to think about that any more’ and it’s actually starting to work a bit. Though it still pops into my mind all the time – but I guess it takes time.
It does take time and lots of practice. And it’s okay to not get it right in the beginning. Just keep trying. Good luck.
Thank you. I do struggle as I wake up every day with the thoughts in my mind! So feels like it’s never going to go away. Do you have any suggestions for the kind of therapist that would be best to speak to? I feel mindfulness and psychodynamic approaches aren’t working, wondering if I need a psychologist! Thanks
Yes. What you need is a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT.
I made an account just to say thank you so much, this is incredibly helpful. I guess I gotta remember that real guilt requires no rumination.
Hi Dave,
I had all kinds of OCD, but right now I feel the need to confess everything to my wife. I recently made the mistake of telling her about a message that I sent to some girl 3 years ago inviting her to go out (nothing happened). This hurt her immensely and she is still recovering. This triggered my previous form of OCD, in which I obsess with spirits and supernatural events, thinking that I can really kill people with my mind. I confessed to her about all of this and she was understanding and it did made me feel better for a bit, but now I remembered this one time I though about sending a note to a girl I know that I find attractive. In the end, I didn’t do it bc I love my wife and that’d be stupid, but the guilt is consuming me. Do you think I should tell her? My anxiety is through the roof right now but I’m starting therapy tomorrow.
I feel like I need to confess every Little private thought or fantasy that might be considered unfaithful. What should I do?
Hi there.
With OCD, confessing is a compulsion. The desire to set things right is overpowering but doing so usually offers no benefit. You likely really want to confess to try snd get rid of the anxiety you feel. That might happen fir a short while but soon enough the anxiety will come back and youll be wracking your brain to find something minor to confess. It can become an endless circle.
Guilt is the usual emotion tied to this theme but rarely if ever do people like you in this situation ever have anything to feel guilty about. The things you want to confess all seem very minor to outsiders.
I do hope the therapy you are starting is CBT. That’s the gold standard treatment for OCD.
Hi,
I’ve been with my partner for 8 Years.. and recently married. I love her to bits and she is my everything. However, only recently I have found myself feeling extremely guilty over something I did 6 years ago when I was 20-21 years old. At the time we weren’t in a good place and argued constantly. We were out one night and had a fight at a club…. I was extremely drunk but found myself with another girl. We didn’t have sex, I didn’t kiss her on the mouth, but kissed her neck. I was extremely drunk and I know it’s not an excuse.
We had a major fight over this that night because I said I had hooked up with another girl. However when I sobered up, I said I didn’t do anything. She moved out for a few nights or so, was very awkward initially due to breaking her trust and I know it was my fault.
We moved on, got married, really happy…. and now all of a sudden I have this massive feeling of guilt and find myself trying to remember exactly what happened, what I did and how much of a bad person I am. I feel I don’t deserve her and want to tell her.
I didn’t think I had OCD, but recently thought I may have contracted HIV because I had cut my hand at a property And have always found myself double and triple checking that I’ve turned an iron off, locked a door or garage.
I have gotten over the hiv as I have come to a conclusion that it’s not possible. But really struggling with guilt from 6 years ago and feel terrible for what I did
Sounds like OCD to me. Analyzing that one moment, trying to figure out if you are bad… these are compulsions. They’ll never lead to certainty. They’ll just jeep you stuck. Confessing is another compulsion that won’t bring closure.
Try your best to set the thoughts aside. No good will come from ruminating over it. In the big scheme of things it was a minor incident not worthy of your attention today.
Hi Dave,
I would really appreciate if I can get your two cents for what I have been going through for the past 4 years.I am guessing I have been fighting with real event OCD for years. I lost my mom in May 2014 to a cardiac arrest. I was 28 years old and married at this time. Two months later I had gotten up from my nap at my friend’s place and out of the blue a thought about something which happened in August 2012 popped in my head and it made me really guilty. This is what happened in 2012- I had a confrontation with one of my friend’s GF on Facebook. Things got really heated,lot of words were exchanged where I said ” Bitch please” to something she said for which she replied calling me something horrible and what followed was me arguing with my friends and my friend, his GF and her brother blocking me on FB till date. They have not tried to amend things since then.
I started feeling very ashamed about this event even though back in 2012 I just really let it go. I questioned myself as to how terrible I must be if three ppl I have known for years decide to end everything via FB and not even bothering to clear things out. I then passed blame on them and then on me back and forth. I would ruminate every day for weeks and months recalling every moment of that day in 2012 as to what I had said and what she said back and forth so on. I started feeling shame/guilt about something else that happened back on New year’s eve in 2012. I had gone to this friend’s place and the three of them were really snoring out load. I had tried to wake up the girl to ask her not to snore since I really wanted to sleep. I wasn’t sure if I touched her private part by mistake when trying to wake her up.
When the sudden thought popped in August 2014, I started questioning myself as to whether I did touch her private part by mistake or intentional or is it some sort of false memory. Anxiety around this is less now but overall everyday I am reminded of these three people due to the events that unfolded in August 2012
I tried to straighten things out with my friend but to no avail. He didn’t even respond to my message when I told him that my mom had passed away. I wanted him to know since he knew my mom very well. I questioned myself as to what a terrible person I must be if he doesn’t even want to care for something major that has happened in my life.
I eventually confessed to one of my other friends about the whole thing and felt so good about it. It lasted for few weeks and then the thoughts would again pop up. If anything remotely reminded me of them in my day to day activities( For example a song from years back which had something to do with 3 ppl or a movie I had seen with my friend comes on TV or a cricket/soccer match we had seen together etc), I would start to ruminate or feel great sense of anxiety where I turn into a nervous wreck. I would start to google and search for answers that would make me feel better. I confessed to my wife as well and she really thought the whole thing was minor. She said friends do break up and it happened to her.Again, I felt good for few days but it came back.
I will remember certain things from my google search which made me feel good and I will try to think of those things whenever the thoughts about the three people or anything related to the three people come up.
We have a 2 year old boy who really keeps me going. I can’t imagine as to how I would be dealing with this without him. Seeing him smile makes me forget about the three people and the anxiety surrounding it. However, the thoughts do eventually pop up and the rumination /compulsion starts.
It all started with a sudden thought out of nowhere and it has literally consumed me over the past 4 years. Severity of anxiety is mild at times and downright terrible at other times.
Do you suggest CBT or ERP in my case? and any thoughts that might help.
Well first off it sounds like OCD.
As you’ve figured out, cinfessing inly brings temporary relief. Soon enough the thoughts come back and you do more compulsions to try and feel better.
Yes, I highly recimmend CBT. It’s thw only proven treatment for OCD. ERP is part of CBT.
Thank you for this post. I deal with major anxiety and ocd. Mine is religious or moral related I guess. My fear is I’m going to hell for my sins. My problem is that I’ve sctually done bad things. I’ve lied on documents , I’ve eaten food at work without permission , lied for a tax break, used the WiFi at work when I shouldn’t , slept while st work which is considered stealing time . I’ve lost two jobs from guilt and confessing. I guess I feel like it’s not ocd for me since I genuinely have done wrong things. I’m thinking now on how to replace the food at work and how to tell the irs. I don’t want to get into trouble though. I’m thinking file an amendment. Have you heard of any people like me ? I can’t tell if it’s just me obsessing or if I genuinely need to right these wrongs. I just don’t want to go to hell 😢😢😢
Oh yes, I sure have heard of this before.
In these cases, your mind latches onto minor transgressions from the past and blows their significance up into huge deals. Because they seem to be such terrible situations, you feel compelled to deal with them. So compulsions begin.
You need to realize that, as always, OCD is lying to you. These transgressions are all minor. They are not a big deal. None of them are. None of them need to be dealt with in any way. It’s all a big OCD lie.
You think you need to right these wrongs because it will make your anxiety go down. But that is a trap. As soon as you try to fix these problems, your mind will latch onto other things that need fixing and off you’ll go again.
Stand firm. Tell yourself you are not going to deal with these things. Let them go, like everyone else does. Watch out for ruminating. The less attention you pay to the thoughts, the less they will bother you.
This is a very typical case of Real Life OCD. The punishment (don’t deserbe to hold the job) does not fit the crime. And no, there is no crime here. It’s just an expression.
Maybe you did screw up in the heat if the moment. But that doesn’t translate into a lifetime of self punishment.
Your biggest compulsion is likrly ruminating, going over the incident again and agsin in your head. That’s what you need to work on stopping.
Thank you Dave. I’ll try to stop ruminating. I just feel so guilty. I don’t know if you fully understand , what I did was considered abuse. I harmed someone in my care and it wasn’t an accident. I lost my cool. I could be fired and go to jail if anyone knew 😳
I asked myself when it first happened when would it be considered worthy enough to admit fault ? What if , I never plan to , I had murdered someone.. like no imagining it but full on without a doubt knowing I had. would I be compelled to tell then?? I guess I’m trying to figure out when it’s necessary to tell on myself for my wrongs.
Paranoia can be a symptom alongside OCD. You are letting your mind runaway on you. I have no idea who you are and thus could not report you. Of course I wouldn’t anyway.
People with this theme get so wound up they think they deserve punishment but they never stand back and see they punish themselves mercilessly all day, every day.
Learn from your mistake and move on.
Hi Dave,
I’m 31. Since I was about 18 and I first learned about the concept of karma I have done my best to correct any mistakes or slights I have made in my life towards others. Chocolate bars I stole from school – I returned the money. Money I took from my parents – confessed and returned. If I hurt someone’s feelings – apologised where possible. If I now have an argument or cross words with someone I’m always sure to smooth things over afterward and apologise if I am at fault. In short I would say I have gone to great lengths to make amends.
I recently had a memory about a show I was at once. I can remember no precise details – since my age at the time I have figured out would have been about 15 – but have this concerned feeling along with enough information from the depth of my memory to remember I stole a wooden bead necklace from a trader’s stall. The vague memory is valid as I definitely went to this show and I remember something about this. At 18 I remembered a bit of this incident but before the thought latched on I decided I could do no more about it as I had no way of locating the owner of the stall, their address etc. Other things I could fix then took over and occupied my mind for all these years.
Recently this thought returned and is stuck on loop. I feel immense guilt and as if I will be punished for not putting things right. With regards to punishment I keep having these thoughts that this is going to lead to me having embarrassing bowel accidents/ developing incontinency. These thoughts are killing me and I feel so unhappy. I’m devastated that I cannot put this problem right by paying for the item.
I’m trying my best to just carry on when the thoughts hit, I cannot do my chosen compulsion afterall! But, it’s depressing me greatly!
Hi!
The only person who is going to punish you is you. Think about that. For all the misdeeds you’ve worried about, the punisher was always you. And only you. There was no one else passing judgment on you. You were doing it to yourself. With this theme of OCD, sufferers become their own worst critics. And they relentlessly punish themselves over the most minor of transgressions.
The question is, how long will you punish yourself over this? In some cases, murderers get away with less punishment than some OCD sufferers I have come to known. They will punish themselves every day for years (mentally), over some minor thing from their past.
Forgiveness is within reach. The trick is, you are the one that has to forgive… yourself.